The Ugly Truth

So....it's been awhile. And I've put off and put off writing this post. I've been embarrassed to admit that "Healthy Hot Mama" has not been making such healthy decisions for the last few months.
It's absolutely amazing to me how slowly weight comes off and how quickly it comes on! It started when school got out in June. I got done teaching preschool for the year, which I love, but it takes time, and my boys got out of school. I was burnt out with the gym and getting up early every morning to race off to the gym, etc. I wanted a more relaxed summer with some lazy mornings and less running here and there constantly. As I talked about in the previous post, I ended up sabotaging myself with my high school reunion coming in July and gained about 15 lbs. Well, the sabotage continued...all...summer! How I wished I would have nipped it in the bud, but I decided to try some other methods to lose the weight. I am very much aware that my issues with food are very much in my head. In fact, I've come to learn recently that for me, food is a true addiction, but more about that later. I decided in June to try hypnosis, which I had been looking into for awhile. I even knew someone personally who had been very successful with it and has kept the weight off. I went into with the hope that this would "fix me". They assured me that as early as right after my first session, I would completely lose the desire for sweets and other junk food (my triggers). I gave it 2 1/2 months and it never happened. I went to all of my sessions, weekly, and I listened to my recorded personal sessions diligently each day. I talked to the employees on numerous occasions trying to figure out what I was doing "wrong". They would tell me to relax more and that I needed to stop counting calories and points and just "let this work". Giving up control and having faith are hard things for me, but I did it....and the pounds piled on! I finally called the hypnosis center and cancelled my contract. The problem was, that by then I was off track, and in a big way. My binge eating had gotten worse. I was devastated by the weight gain, so ironically, I ate to feel better...and the cycle continued with the accompanying climb in numbers on the scale. I was at the point where I could NOT find the motivation to get myself back on track. No Pinterest motivational picture hanging on my fridge was going to help. No attending my WW meetings was going to help. I had to go buy bigger clothes, and let me tell you...that sucked!! I have a closet full of clothes that I can't wear. I no longer feel comfortable with my body or with how my clothes fit me. I've completely lost motivation to work out. I got a treadmill for my bedroom last month and have been using that, but I haven't been going to the gym. My gym clothes don't fit, my schedule is honestly insane (I'm teaching 2 classes/day now and my kids' schedules are crazy),etc...but really those are excuses. The fact is, I feel like crap trying to do the things at the gym that I could easily do before. The extra weight makes it harder to run, etc. I just FEEL worse physically,emotionally and mentally. So why do I not just make myself stick to a strict diet?, some may ask. Because it's not that easy. I've come to learn that in my case, food is an actual ADDICTION. Food is my drug of choice. Just like an alcoholic needs that drink or a drug addict needs that high, my body wants the sugar. When I'm stressed, that's how I self-medicate. I've noticed in the past that I have a very addictive personality and it's something I have to watch. I like to shop, and I have to be careful that I don't spend more than I have. Whenever I find a new interest, it consumes me and I jump in head first, giving it all of my time and attention. That is just how I am wired. I have a very "all-or-nothing" mentality. This makes it hard to do anything in moderation, including eating. If I eat something "bad", my day is ruined and I just need to finish the bag of cookies so they are gone and I can start over again tomorrow. (How many can relate to that?) Right or wrong, this is how my mind works.
Is it absolutely mortifying to admit to all of you that I, who started a facebook page to share my weight loss wisdom, has lost all control and gained back a lot of weight? Absolutely! Do I feel kind of pathetic? Ummm...ya! But what have I said from the very beginning of this blog/facebook page? My goal is to be 100% honest with you, my friends. I can promise you that even on those weight loss pages where they are super successful, those people have struggled with backsliding, playing the mental games, etc. The difference is that I want all of you, who may be struggling with some of the same issues, to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I am receiving messages from people as I post telling me how grateful they are for my honesty and they share their stories with me. I am talking to friends and people in my support groups who are experiencing the same things. I want to be real...and open...and honest, even at the risk of looking pathetic.
I had one lady that I was talking to recently about our individual struggles with weight, tell me that if I hadn't shared my struggles with her, she would have never known that I didn't have it all together. She said that she saw that my house was always clean, and I always "look nice" and it seems like I have it all together. Ladies...that is my big beef. We are always comparing our "Monday worst" to everyone else's "Sunday best"...and it's not a fair comparison. I am guilty of doing this. My goal right now is to work on loving myself the way I am RIGHT NOW, not when I lose 50 pounds. And to stop comparing myself to those around me. We ALL struggle, and we need to love ourselves and each other. I would never speak to a friend the way I speak to myself, and that's not right! I'm working on stopping the negative self-talk and focusing on my strengths. I AM ENOUGH. I am a good mom who advocates for her kids and does her very best to raise them to be happy, strong, successful young men. I am a good friend who wants to be there to listen to and help my friends and be there for them. I am a good wife who adores her husband and does her best to make sure he always knows that. I.AM.ENOUGH!! The number on the tag on my jeans does not define me. My Father in Heaven's love for me is not dependent upon the number on the scale. He only wants for me to love myself, so I can more fully love those around me. I'm a work in progress, but that's okay. It's all part of the journey!

Lessons learned at a high school reunion...

High school reunion....three words that can cause excitement or strike fear in a person. My 20 year reunion was last night, and I felt a mixture of those feelings. I remember when I started my weight loss journey in 2010, thinking that for SURE I'd have reached my goal weight before my 20 year reunion in 2014! 4 years, no problem, right? Well, as it got closer and I realized that I would NOT be at goal or even close, I started really stressing and beating myself up. In turn, I engaged in some serious self-sabotage and GAINED about 15 pounds back right before the reunion. I know, it makes no sense, but that's how I roll. I tried on outfit after outfit trying to find just the right thing to make me look as thin and perfect as I imagined every other woman there would look. I worried I'd be critiqued and judged by my former peers. Well, I got to the family barbecue lunch, looked around and started visiting with old classmates. I found myself having a blast, approaching people who may not have given me the time of day 20 years ago and feeling fine about myself. I realized that no one was judging me at all! I talked to one person who was "popular" in high school that admitted to feeling insecure coming to the reunion. Unbelievable! I wasn't the only one. Some of us gained some weight, some of the men were bald....I realized, FINALLY, that we all change and we all have our insecurities. I certainly wasn't judging what anyone else looked like, and I'm sure no one gave my appearance a second thought. Why did I stress myself out for so many months about this? I guess the lesson that I finally learned, 20 years after graduating from high school was that it truly doesn't matter what others think of me. What is important is what *I* think of me.

I'm tired...

Soooo....it's been a struggle lately. How I wish I were one of those fortunate people who have a healthy relationship with food. You know...the ones who can have treats in the house without thinking about them constantly and planning how soon they can be enjoyed. They are those who don't think about food ALL.DAY.LONG. How would that be? I am coming to understand that I may never know and THAT, I think, is a big part of my problem right now.
You all know that I am all about being real on this blog/fb page. I know that I am not alone in these struggles. I know of at least 4 good friends who are struggling with their weight and lack of motivation right now, just like me. So here it is.... I am burnt out. I am tired of thinking about food constantly. I'm tired of basing my self-worth on whether I've eaten "good" or "bad" foods (part of my "everything is black or white" personality). I'm tired of trying to figure out my next plan of action to try and get myself motivated to lose again. I'm tired of failing. I hate that I know that this struggle and addiction to food will be something I will battle my ENTIRE LIFE. It will hopefully get easier, but it will never go away.
Have I considered just letting myself be okay with where my body is right now? Yes. As I mentioned before, I've had 2 doctors now tell me that I am probably at my body's "set point" and that since I am so healthy cardiovascularly and my lab numbers are great, I am...healthy. The reason I can't let myself be okay with where I am now, is that my relationship with food is NOT healthy right now. Not in my head. I have to get that figured out before I can be okay with where I am. I WILL NOT gain the weight back.
It's like putting together a puzzle and having it almost done and not being able to find that last piece, and it is soooo frustrating! I make myself (and probably everyone around me!) crazy trying to analyze myself and why I do the things I do. I need to find that missing piece.
I have people ask me all the time how to get motivated and where I find motivation. I don't. It finds me when it's time. One thing I've learned is that you cannot force motivation. For yourself or anyone else. You'd think that with my high school reunion coming up in a month and a half, I'd care. That I'd be "motivated" to lose more weight. But no, I just.don't.care!
To top it all off, I had someone pull me aside this weekend with a "not-so-complimentary" question/comment about how parts of my body look since losing over 100 pounds and which parts of my body must be the last to let the weight go. Was that encouraging to someone struggling to lose weight? Absolutely not. If I had any confidence in how I was looking, that pretty much dissolved that. One more thing to be self-conscious of.
I don't mean for this to be a negative, pity-party of a post, but I felt like I needed to get back on here and catch everyone up on where I am right now. And since I know of others going through the same thing, I'm sure there are many others that I don't know of who can also relate. Hopefully, they won't feel so alone.
For now I am going to work on loving myself...good (food), bad (food) or ugly (food). I will take it one meal, snack, or hour at a time. I will find that balance that I struggle with between deprivation and over-indulgence. And in the meantime, I will try to focus on how far I've come, rather than how far I have to go.

The vicious cycle...

So, I've been putting off writing this post. Like most people, I hate to look bad and feel weak. But a big part of the reason that I created this blog and the accompanying facebook page was for the accountability. The other reason was to hopefully help other people by sharing the things I am learning on my journey. Sometimes those lessons come easily and sometimes they come through trials and struggles. I have shared here that it is so important to me to be real and honest here and to not sugar-coat things. I refuse to be one of those weigh loss blogs or pages that make it seem like losing weight is easy and that there are no struggles, weight gains, or setbacks. So here it is...the past few weeks, I have really been struggling with my eating. I've had some really hard days related to my son's Aspergers and my boys' ADHD. And while that's not an excuse, I've been binging on crap and not caring...at the moment. Then, when that immediate gratification wears off, the self-loathing kicks in. So then what do we do to make ourselves feel better? We eat! And the vicious cycle continues. Can anyone relate? This cycle has been my problem. I have felt weak and unworthy to post as Healthy Hot Mama, not wanting to be "fake" or feel like I'm being held to a higher standard. I have never claimed to know it all. Like everyone else, I have good days and bad days. The goal is to have more good than bad.
I learned from a book that my mother-in-law wrote, that there are 2 types of motivation...logical and emotional. I might know by looking at the numbers that I SHOULD lose another 30 pounds or so, but that's logical, not emotionally driven. It is finding that emotionally driven "thing" that will push me toward accomplishing my goals. I'm still working on finding that. I've had 2 doctors now tell me that I am probably at my body's "set point" and that since my cardiovascular health is great and my numbers (cholesterol, blood pressure, etc.) are as well, that I am fine where I am. I've had others in the health field suggest that I should keep going forward with my weight loss, as my weight, BMI and body fat percentage aren't where they should ideally be. I have gotten too comfortable with where I am. I don't have to worry about a lot of the things that I did when I was 100 pounds heavier. BUT...I also know that I can't stop where I am right now because of the fact that my relationship with food is not where it needs to be. The cycle I talked about before has to stop. I need to get a handle on the emotional eating and I think a lot of that will be in changing the way I look at and feel about myself. I need to convince myself that I deserve to meet my goals and that I am worth it. Reprogramming our self-image is not an easy thing.
 So bear with me as I work on getting my head back in the game and try to find the motivation to move forward. I thank you for not judging me and for understanding that this is a vulnerable place to be, but that I know that together we can help each other realize our true potential.

Overcoming Self-Sabotage

I took a 6 hour class yesterday on "Overcoming Self-Sabotage". It was very well done and I learned  a lot about the signs of self-sabotage and some tools for overcoming it. The biggest thing that I sabotage myself on is, of course, my weight loss. As I've shared, I'm a very emotional eater, so when I'm stressed I immediately go for food. I can stand in front of the fridge, know what I'm doing and that I'll regret it later, and dig in anyway. In talking to the presenter after the class, she asked me if I feel that I'm worth it (meeting my goals). I said that I think I do. She looked me in the eye and said, "Do you really?". That hit me hard. We also discussed that I may be afraid of success. She also asked me why I want to keep going with my weight loss and reach that "goal number". I hate that question because I really don't have a great answer, and I think that's a big part of why I have mostly maintained for awhile. I don't remember ever being thin. Even when I was, I thought I was fat. I have no comprehension or memory to draw on of me being thin.  It is an "unknown" which can be scary...even if you know it will most likely be a positive thing. It comes down to re-programming our minds that we are worth it and that  we can do it. Now to put what I've learned into action. I have goals waiting to be met....

Stress eating

The last few days have been really rough ones. Without getting into too much detail, I've been having some challenges with my oldest who has Aspergers (a high functioning form of autism) and ADHD. There have been a lot of tears, a lot of stress and... a lot of snacking. I'm trying to keep in mind that food isn't the problem, and it shouldn't be the answer (thank you, Diana!), but old habits die hard. I am sharing this, not for sympathy, but because I know that a lot of people can relate to emotional eating. You are not alone. I don't know if my weight will recover before my next weigh-in, but my focus in the next few days needs to be on my family and my emotions, not a number on the scale.

Stress and self-sabotage

Okay...this page is about me being real, open and honest. I know that there are a number of other moms of children with autism who follow this page, so maybe some can relate. Today was a very difficult day at church with my 12 year old son with Aspergers. I spent half of my time frustrated with and trying to reason with my son, and the other half of the time trying not to break down in front of everyone. When I got home, what did I automatically turn to for comfort? Food. Why is it that we equate food with comfort and pleasure. Even now, it is taking everything I've got to not eat my way through the frustration.

Weekend Woes

Am I the only one who can usually stay on track fairly well during the week, but then let's it all fall apart over the weekend? I have been off track for the last day or so, but I am determined not to let that continue on through the weekend. I am turning it around NOW....not tomorrow, not Monday, not next week. I will stick with my meal plan this weekend and choose healthy snacks.

Non-Scale Victories

I'm learning to look for and appreciate the non-scale victories as well as the number on the scale. I went to lunch with hubby today and had a salad and split a half of a very large sandwich with him. I was feeling a little guilty because, while it was a healthier choice, I could have chosen healthier toppings, dressing, etc. (In case you haven't figured it out yet, I tend to feel guilt over everything...lol.) Then, I caved and bought pita chips and hummus this afternoon and ate more of that than I should have. In the past, I would have said, "to heck with it!", and binged for the next few days because I'd already blown it. Instead, I decided to forgive myself, went to boot camp, came home and had a smaller, healthy meal (still feeling ick from the chips and hummus), and I'll go out on a "power walk" again tonight with a friend. My non-scale victory tonight was forgiving myself, making healthier choices and moving on.

Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage….am I the only one who struggles with this? When I see any success (such as a loss on the scale), I tend to sabotage MYSELF. It’s not a conscious decision that I make, but through my journey, it’s one of the things that I’ve noticed about myself. For the last 3 days, I have been engaging in some major self-sabotage. I think that in creating this page, feeling the support AND the accountability, and seeing a decent loss at my weigh-in Monday night…I am feeling some “success” or some hope for getting through this plateau and working my way to my goal weight. With that, comes self-sabotage in my case. I’ve decided that in some twisted, weird way, I am afraid of succeeding. That makes no sense, right? Why would any sane person be afraid of reaching their goals? Because it is the unknown. I don’t remember what it feels like to be thin. Even when I was thin, I thought I was fat. Being a role model is a new “unknown”. Am I going to let everyone on this page down if I backslide and gain weight, or if I don’t reach that goal number on the scale? Will I be a hypocrite? I’ve been very open all along about the fact that this page is about me being honest, real, and yes…vulnerable. A scary place for me to be. But through all of the challenges and struggles that I continue to have with my weight, it’s so important to me to share what I am learning with others. And from what I am hearing from fans of this page, people can relate. That is what this is all about. So understand that I do not EVER profess to know everything that there is to know about weight loss or being healthy. I’m learning as I go, and my hope is that we can all learn together.