Soooo....it's been a struggle lately. How I wish I were one of those fortunate people who have a healthy relationship with food. You know...the ones who can have treats in the house without thinking about them constantly and planning how soon they can be enjoyed. They are those who don't think about food ALL.DAY.LONG. How would that be? I am coming to understand that I may never know and THAT, I think, is a big part of my problem right now.
You all know that I am all about being real on this blog/fb page. I know that I am not alone in these struggles. I know of at least 4 good friends who are struggling with their weight and lack of motivation right now, just like me. So here it is.... I am burnt out. I am tired of thinking about food constantly. I'm tired of basing my self-worth on whether I've eaten "good" or "bad" foods (part of my "everything is black or white" personality). I'm tired of trying to figure out my next plan of action to try and get myself motivated to lose again. I'm tired of failing. I hate that I know that this struggle and addiction to food will be something I will battle my ENTIRE LIFE. It will hopefully get easier, but it will never go away.
Have I considered just letting myself be okay with where my body is right now? Yes. As I mentioned before, I've had 2 doctors now tell me that I am probably at my body's "set point" and that since I am so healthy cardiovascularly and my lab numbers are great, I am...healthy. The reason I can't let myself be okay with where I am now, is that my relationship with food is NOT healthy right now. Not in my head. I have to get that figured out before I can be okay with where I am. I WILL NOT gain the weight back.
It's like putting together a puzzle and having it almost done and not being able to find that last piece, and it is soooo frustrating! I make myself (and probably everyone around me!) crazy trying to analyze myself and why I do the things I do. I need to find that missing piece.
I have people ask me all the time how to get motivated and where I find motivation. I don't. It finds me when it's time. One thing I've learned is that you cannot force motivation. For yourself or anyone else. You'd think that with my high school reunion coming up in a month and a half, I'd care. That I'd be "motivated" to lose more weight. But no, I just.don't.care!
To top it all off, I had someone pull me aside this weekend with a "not-so-complimentary" question/comment about how parts of my body look since losing over 100 pounds and which parts of my body must be the last to let the weight go. Was that encouraging to someone struggling to lose weight? Absolutely not. If I had any confidence in how I was looking, that pretty much dissolved that. One more thing to be self-conscious of.
I don't mean for this to be a negative, pity-party of a post, but I felt like I needed to get back on here and catch everyone up on where I am right now. And since I know of others going through the same thing, I'm sure there are many others that I don't know of who can also relate. Hopefully, they won't feel so alone.
For now I am going to work on loving myself...good (food), bad (food) or ugly (food). I will take it one meal, snack, or hour at a time. I will find that balance that I struggle with between deprivation and over-indulgence. And in the meantime, I will try to focus on how far I've come, rather than how far I have to go.
Jamie! You've hit the nail on the head with this post! Can I tell you I have felt this very same way the past 9 months! I struggle admitting that because of my profession. I am a personal trainer for crying out loud! BUT, I am also human. Just like you said in this post- food will be a lifelong "learning" experience. How to feel like my whole life isn't centered around it. I thought I had reached a point of figuring it all out, but then life happened! I wasn't able to participate in something anymore that I had learned to LOVE. It depressed me and I lost most of my motivation. What you said about remembering how far we have come is so important. I used to weight over 200 pounds, and I'm not even close to that now. Yeah, I've put on some weight (15 pounds), but I also know how to take it off again when the time is right. We need to grab that knowledge by the horns- I'm so glad to have the knowledge I have about the human body! I hope that people will appreciate a trainer that undestrands what they are going through because, I've been there! Jamie- you are amazing. Keep doing what you are doing because the people that never see results are the ones that never start in the first place!
ReplyDeleteSorry it took me so long to get my reply up here!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how you are feeling as of late. Hugs to you.
I wonder if it might be time to take a break from the scale and just focus on your healthy eating and portions. Maybe not actually get on the scale for a month? Do you think you can do that? Or would it be too hard?
It is just amazing to look at your before photos and realize how far you have come. I know you don't feel like you can truely accept goal but don't count yourself out for the hard work that you have done. Sure, it can feel like this food issue is a big deal but you have done awesome. This is only minor.
Being happy is what is most important. If you aren't happy then what was this journey all about?