Soooo....it's been a struggle lately. How I wish I were one of those fortunate people who have a healthy relationship with food. You know...the ones who can have treats in the house without thinking about them constantly and planning how soon they can be enjoyed. They are those who don't think about food ALL.DAY.LONG. How would that be? I am coming to understand that I may never know and THAT, I think, is a big part of my problem right now.
You all know that I am all about being real on this blog/fb page. I know that I am not alone in these struggles. I know of at least 4 good friends who are struggling with their weight and lack of motivation right now, just like me. So here it is.... I am burnt out. I am tired of thinking about food constantly. I'm tired of basing my self-worth on whether I've eaten "good" or "bad" foods (part of my "everything is black or white" personality). I'm tired of trying to figure out my next plan of action to try and get myself motivated to lose again. I'm tired of failing. I hate that I know that this struggle and addiction to food will be something I will battle my ENTIRE LIFE. It will hopefully get easier, but it will never go away.
Have I considered just letting myself be okay with where my body is right now? Yes. As I mentioned before, I've had 2 doctors now tell me that I am probably at my body's "set point" and that since I am so healthy cardiovascularly and my lab numbers are great, I am...healthy. The reason I can't let myself be okay with where I am now, is that my relationship with food is NOT healthy right now. Not in my head. I have to get that figured out before I can be okay with where I am. I WILL NOT gain the weight back.
It's like putting together a puzzle and having it almost done and not being able to find that last piece, and it is soooo frustrating! I make myself (and probably everyone around me!) crazy trying to analyze myself and why I do the things I do. I need to find that missing piece.
I have people ask me all the time how to get motivated and where I find motivation. I don't. It finds me when it's time. One thing I've learned is that you cannot force motivation. For yourself or anyone else. You'd think that with my high school reunion coming up in a month and a half, I'd care. That I'd be "motivated" to lose more weight. But no, I just.don't.care!
To top it all off, I had someone pull me aside this weekend with a "not-so-complimentary" question/comment about how parts of my body look since losing over 100 pounds and which parts of my body must be the last to let the weight go. Was that encouraging to someone struggling to lose weight? Absolutely not. If I had any confidence in how I was looking, that pretty much dissolved that. One more thing to be self-conscious of.
I don't mean for this to be a negative, pity-party of a post, but I felt like I needed to get back on here and catch everyone up on where I am right now. And since I know of others going through the same thing, I'm sure there are many others that I don't know of who can also relate. Hopefully, they won't feel so alone.
For now I am going to work on loving myself...good (food), bad (food) or ugly (food). I will take it one meal, snack, or hour at a time. I will find that balance that I struggle with between deprivation and over-indulgence. And in the meantime, I will try to focus on how far I've come, rather than how far I have to go.
