The Ugly Truth

So....it's been awhile. And I've put off and put off writing this post. I've been embarrassed to admit that "Healthy Hot Mama" has not been making such healthy decisions for the last few months.
It's absolutely amazing to me how slowly weight comes off and how quickly it comes on! It started when school got out in June. I got done teaching preschool for the year, which I love, but it takes time, and my boys got out of school. I was burnt out with the gym and getting up early every morning to race off to the gym, etc. I wanted a more relaxed summer with some lazy mornings and less running here and there constantly. As I talked about in the previous post, I ended up sabotaging myself with my high school reunion coming in July and gained about 15 lbs. Well, the sabotage continued...all...summer! How I wished I would have nipped it in the bud, but I decided to try some other methods to lose the weight. I am very much aware that my issues with food are very much in my head. In fact, I've come to learn recently that for me, food is a true addiction, but more about that later. I decided in June to try hypnosis, which I had been looking into for awhile. I even knew someone personally who had been very successful with it and has kept the weight off. I went into with the hope that this would "fix me". They assured me that as early as right after my first session, I would completely lose the desire for sweets and other junk food (my triggers). I gave it 2 1/2 months and it never happened. I went to all of my sessions, weekly, and I listened to my recorded personal sessions diligently each day. I talked to the employees on numerous occasions trying to figure out what I was doing "wrong". They would tell me to relax more and that I needed to stop counting calories and points and just "let this work". Giving up control and having faith are hard things for me, but I did it....and the pounds piled on! I finally called the hypnosis center and cancelled my contract. The problem was, that by then I was off track, and in a big way. My binge eating had gotten worse. I was devastated by the weight gain, so ironically, I ate to feel better...and the cycle continued with the accompanying climb in numbers on the scale. I was at the point where I could NOT find the motivation to get myself back on track. No Pinterest motivational picture hanging on my fridge was going to help. No attending my WW meetings was going to help. I had to go buy bigger clothes, and let me tell you...that sucked!! I have a closet full of clothes that I can't wear. I no longer feel comfortable with my body or with how my clothes fit me. I've completely lost motivation to work out. I got a treadmill for my bedroom last month and have been using that, but I haven't been going to the gym. My gym clothes don't fit, my schedule is honestly insane (I'm teaching 2 classes/day now and my kids' schedules are crazy),etc...but really those are excuses. The fact is, I feel like crap trying to do the things at the gym that I could easily do before. The extra weight makes it harder to run, etc. I just FEEL worse physically,emotionally and mentally. So why do I not just make myself stick to a strict diet?, some may ask. Because it's not that easy. I've come to learn that in my case, food is an actual ADDICTION. Food is my drug of choice. Just like an alcoholic needs that drink or a drug addict needs that high, my body wants the sugar. When I'm stressed, that's how I self-medicate. I've noticed in the past that I have a very addictive personality and it's something I have to watch. I like to shop, and I have to be careful that I don't spend more than I have. Whenever I find a new interest, it consumes me and I jump in head first, giving it all of my time and attention. That is just how I am wired. I have a very "all-or-nothing" mentality. This makes it hard to do anything in moderation, including eating. If I eat something "bad", my day is ruined and I just need to finish the bag of cookies so they are gone and I can start over again tomorrow. (How many can relate to that?) Right or wrong, this is how my mind works.
Is it absolutely mortifying to admit to all of you that I, who started a facebook page to share my weight loss wisdom, has lost all control and gained back a lot of weight? Absolutely! Do I feel kind of pathetic? Ummm...ya! But what have I said from the very beginning of this blog/facebook page? My goal is to be 100% honest with you, my friends. I can promise you that even on those weight loss pages where they are super successful, those people have struggled with backsliding, playing the mental games, etc. The difference is that I want all of you, who may be struggling with some of the same issues, to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I am receiving messages from people as I post telling me how grateful they are for my honesty and they share their stories with me. I am talking to friends and people in my support groups who are experiencing the same things. I want to be real...and open...and honest, even at the risk of looking pathetic.
I had one lady that I was talking to recently about our individual struggles with weight, tell me that if I hadn't shared my struggles with her, she would have never known that I didn't have it all together. She said that she saw that my house was always clean, and I always "look nice" and it seems like I have it all together. Ladies...that is my big beef. We are always comparing our "Monday worst" to everyone else's "Sunday best"...and it's not a fair comparison. I am guilty of doing this. My goal right now is to work on loving myself the way I am RIGHT NOW, not when I lose 50 pounds. And to stop comparing myself to those around me. We ALL struggle, and we need to love ourselves and each other. I would never speak to a friend the way I speak to myself, and that's not right! I'm working on stopping the negative self-talk and focusing on my strengths. I AM ENOUGH. I am a good mom who advocates for her kids and does her very best to raise them to be happy, strong, successful young men. I am a good friend who wants to be there to listen to and help my friends and be there for them. I am a good wife who adores her husband and does her best to make sure he always knows that. I.AM.ENOUGH!! The number on the tag on my jeans does not define me. My Father in Heaven's love for me is not dependent upon the number on the scale. He only wants for me to love myself, so I can more fully love those around me. I'm a work in progress, but that's okay. It's all part of the journey!